Sunday, August 16, 2009

Thoughty-Thoughts


(Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy, wait no - by- Breanne - except don't let me deceive you, I'm not as funny as I'd like to be, and well, these aren't even meant to be funny - but this post felt like it needed a Deep Thoughts type of picture - -- this was taken on a backpacking trip a few years back)

I wrote a partial post a couple of weeks ago about the exhaustion of unemployment - about us (especially Paul) just wanting full time employment so bad.  I never finished it & never posted it, and I want to be honest on my blog so as not to paint a fake picture, but there is of course just general privacy to consider.  July was a tough month, good because we were able to go visit family & friends in California (will post pictures soon), but just tough in its events - besides always wanting employment or Taya's juvenile arthritis (did I ever confirm here to you that she does indeed have it?  It really ramped up in California too), I/we also dealt with a miscarriage while in California (7 weeks along & a forwarning feeling that it was not going to continue eased this loss a little) and some other concerning health news of a loved one, and weeks and weeks of flu sickness combined with miscarriage recovery.  I'm hesitant to mention all of that because those events are not my point of this post (I've already discussed these things plenty with a few close ones), but I know I can learn so much from those who are open about their trials & I think it will link to my next thoughts more clearly if I mention these specifics.  

I've been thinking about many aspects of dealing with life challenges, big & small.  I believe in not denying my troubles; this doesn't mean saying 'Wo is me, why me?', but just acknowledging them while they're around & allowing myself to fully experience them rather than tell myself I shouldn't feel this or that way (which will only come back to bite me).  I believe in finding the balance of being 'in the present' with my trials for a short time, yet also finding a point to move foward & to become more aware of others' trials as well.  Sometimes it feels like other people don't have trials when I'm in the thick of it even though I ultimately know better (I got sick of feeling wrapped up in myself & my thoughts during July).  But it is so nice to be there for others & hear their concerns; although I wish I could eliminate their worries, it is just so nice to think more of others when it's otherwise easier to think of myself - hence the reason it is so helpful to serve others always, but especially when having a hard personal time.  Sometimes when I find out about other people's heavy & hard challenges, I can initially be inclined to think 'what's wrong with me?  why am I so concerned about my troubles when they're nothing compared to this person's?'  -- but that really doesn't help anyone out either to think that way.  So I am working to find the balance of still allowing the knowledge of other people's hard trials to instill gratitude for my blessings, yet not take it to a discouraging level of 'look at them, if they can get through that then why can't I get through this?' type of thoughts.  It's all relative and our struggles are ours - they are real - and they are opportunities to refine our character & souls by.  I don't think what we've been going through is the heaviest hand dealt to people I know - NOT AT ALL, but I also am aware that we definitely have a few struggles here chucked at us at once.  I hope and think I am growing through it all, because that is most valuable to me; especially growing together as a family.  I want to be there for others - for them & I will admit that at times, it is partly for myself as well.  I do so much better when I can serve others and feel purpose in my thoughts & actions of concern for others instead of thoughts that sometimes feel like they lead to nowhere if they are all for myself (and my family).  I'm sorry to those right around me that I've been a bit wrapped up; I know you all have your own concerns & I want to be there for you, so if I am the person you ever want or need to confide in, please don't hesitate.  What have been some of your thoughts as you've all gone through various life challenges?  What attitudes/mentalities help you?  

We watched The Soloist last night & it was another good chance to put my thoughts & energy into what others are going through (without getting down on myself for worrying about my own challenges).  I have never seen the life of homeless people more accurately depicted than in this movie.  I am not currently involved in serving those that are homeless, but during college & in my first full time job, I have been involved with those that are homeless, mentally challenged and/or low-income.  I miss those days sometimes where it's hard not to stay grounded when you hear someone's life story and how their homeless or challenged state came to be, and where you know you've been able to help them for at least a moment.  I know I am focusing on mothering & current life goals right now, but I do plan to actively involve myself once again in a similar service oriented group.  According to the movie, there are 90,000 homeless people living in LA alone - 90,000!  This movie really helps you think about them as individuals with families and background stories instead of just 'homeless people' with very little personalization.   I am grateful for reminders like these to step beyond my scope in my thoughts & ponder what I can do for another.  

I don't know how much sense this all made, but I've been feeling a need to write about some of these thoughts.  My dad just finished my Grandma Harris' life story; I have read part of it through tears and cannot wait to read its entirety.  It makes me glad that I blog & that I share these thoughts, because even though my 500 word rambling could very well be too much for some, it might mean a lot to my posterity one day.  

As a follow-up note, I want to tell you that after many months of anticipation for treatment (long insurance delays) for Taya's arthritis, we are happy to say that she received steroid shots in both knees (was put under anesthesia) a little over a week ago; she seems to be doing much, much better from it - virtually no limping, we can straighten her left leg a little better, and she is just running around and hyper like a 2 year old should be (and I thought she was pretty active before!)  It is so fun to watch her enjoy herself physically & helps me to have perspective instead of dread her high level of energy that I can't quite match.  The shots are supposed to take effect for 6-12 months.  If her symptoms come back after 2-3 months, it would be considered fairly ineffective.  So we will wait and see & enjoy her health NOW.  On another note, if you think of any networking connections related to Paul's or my abilities (Paul - architecture, 3D renderings, logo designs, woodworking; Me - custom closet/cabinetry designs/bids, interior design assistance, psychology major/music minor) let us know!  I feel funny putting that out there sometimes, but obviously this blog isn't about holding back when I feel funny so I figure I should mention that since it's been a while - but we could still use your help!

If you made it to the bottom of this, you're one loyal friend or big procrastinator or have a lot of free time on your hands!  ; )  And now you're dying for something light to brake up all this seriousness - you'll have to find a funny blog now:)

15 comments:

R said...

BREsk!
I've been thinking about you and finally checked your blog.
So sorry to hear about everything. I just can't imagine. Of course at some point (days to years) you will learn things from this and look back and see the wherefore and why of all the challenges you have. But I wish I lived closer to help you out.
Taya seems like such a little ray of sunshine. I'm sad to hear she has to deal with that.
Luckily you know so much about health and stretching and stuff that you will be a great mom to deal with that.
Oh Bre--here's a big hug I wish I could give you. O
Cheer up and get some sleep and I promise you are in my prayers.
Love you so much!

The Young's said...

I'm so sorry things haven't been going so well, recently. I can totally relate! Sorry about the miscarriage. They are never easy and are hard. I had one before Brayden. Glad that you found something to help Taya. Good luck with the job hunt. Something wonderful will come!

Marie said...

Breanne,
I appreciate your posts. You are amazing. Love ya!

Erin said...

So sorry to hear about the miscarriage. I enjoyed our little chat the other day. Hope things will get better. We'll keep you in our prayers!

Janalee said...

Oh my dear sweet little BreanneCakes.

(and you're pretty young to know about Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey - that's MY era!)

Christy said...

So many thoughts.
1. Loved the post
2. I too had a miscarriage while on vacation in CA- (although after I had a miscarriage I hated hearing about every other woman on the planet that has had a miscarriage. So I don't tell you that to try to lessen your grief- it won't. I just found it uncanny.)
3. I havent seen the soloist yet, but have been dying to.
4. I appreciate the reality portrayed while talking about tuff stuff.
5. I'm gonna send you an email about a job.
6. Who is Jack Handey?

7. Just kidding no #7. I'm done!

Bianca said...

Through all your trials, I am so glad you are still upbeat! You are lucky to have family and friends who love you so much!
P.s. I might be able to find you something at SRP but it would be full-time. Let me know if you're interested and I can throw some job postings your way.

Melanie and Jarom said...

Hey Breanne,
I'm so sad about all you guys are facing right now. Lets get together and ease the tension, ay? I'm canadian now apparently... anyway I'd really like to see you guys and I'm so glad Taya got her shots finally...
Love ya!

Meg said...

Breanne-you're one of a kind. Thanks for being totally honest in your post because I think it does help us all to feel more connected, that we all go through these extremely rough times (even if they're never spoken) and can feel and relate and appreciate eachother a lot more. You've got the right attitude already girl! My prayers will be with your awesome little family :)

Breanne said...

You're all so wonderful - I was hesitent for people's comments b/c of my open style and not knowing if I came across accurately, but I just put that aside when I posted it.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support. I love you all :) Seriously, I treasure friends and loved ones so much; all of your prayers and thoughts help us immensely.

Thank you :)

Morgan said...

Breanne~

I am so sorry about everything you have been going through. I don't think you should feel bad about thinking about your trials, that is a necessary part of dealing with things. I don;t really know what else to say except that I am thinking of you and we will be praying for you. I hope you guys find a job soon. I can't imagine how hard that would be. You are a gem Breanne!!

Suzanne said...

Loved the blog and all that you mentioned. Everybody goes through tough things and I love how honest you are --so many people just paint the pic that their lives are perfect when in reality it is hard!! There is good and bad!! Thanks for your honesty and I will pray for your family--esp your daughter's health :) Miss you and hope to see you someday :) Love -Suz

paula said...

There is an old hebrew proverb that tells of a group of friends standing in a circle and each friend is allowed to take their burdens and put them into the circle. They have to each then decide if they want to take back their own or another's. I'm sure you guess which they take.

Our burdens and challenges are ours. I don't make light of yours, what struggles and all at once. We have had a very challenging time this summer too and my best advice is to go to the temple more often (you will find peace like no other place), read your scriptures more often (you will find comfort and guidence) and lay your troubles at the Lord's feet (you will feel relief for a time). He knows and understands and loves you. I know this sounds real preachy, but it helped me so much to do these things.
We love you Breanne and you are always in our prayers. Hang in there, things will get better.

Jen said...

What a great post (although filled with not so great things). Blogs/FB really can paint a very unreal picture of life. I tend to only let out the positive, cute pictures, and funny stories. I do, however feel so lifted by hearing someone tell about their trials and dealings. Not because I joy in their discomfort at all, but it brings a sense of togetherness and feeling of "we are in this together", experiencing similar feeling at different points in our life. We can learn so much from others. I have always learned so much from you. Thanks for that. Things will for sure look up for you guys! I wish I could help on the job front. Especially if it meant you moving to LA near me (haha, I am so selfish :)

Janene said...

Hi there. It is Janene Littlejohn Lauren's mom. She really enjoyed seeing you and told me about your furniture. I actually have an idea. I was thinking of buying Aubrey a doll house/book case I saw in Target last Christmas, but it is not there anymore. So I started thinking and came up with a design (sort of) of a Doll House/Book Case/Kitchenette/table! combo that would not take up much space and would be great for someone who has limited space ie. apartment living. If you are interested in my idea let me know! Otherwise I will keep drawing. Usually when I have an idea, it means remodeling the house and costs lots of $$$! Take care. Taya is so cute. Glad the shots worked, hope it continues.